Beautiful 3 year relationship … She is in different city (3 hr drive) … All of her family/friends in her town. She is young (22). She is a hot head / often has mood swings.
Engaged on NYE. We had been discussing marriage … she wanted to do it, whereas I was like "let’s just live together for a few months and see how it goes" …
But no we push forward with engagement plans. A month ago she calls me hysterically saying how scared she is (of moving).
For three years it has been bliss … she has been first and last person I have spoken with every day. Constant love and effection. It has been wonderful.
Two weeks ago she wants to break the news of our engagement to my parents (I had wanted to wait a bit and surprise them once she moved here). So we tell them two weeks ago and everyone is excited and happy.
She sends me a text soon after saying she is excited and she has "found the dress for our wedding!!!". So all looks good, right?
Soon after she conferences me in with her family and talks about planning a trip for just me to spend time with them.
TWO DAYS LATER, out of seemingly nowhere she calls me. Says she can’t do this … can’t go forward with marriage, is not going to move here … and also says she can’t be in the relationship anymore either. She feels she is too young (old issue) and basically not ready … the move seems the key issue.
A bit shocked, I ask her why not look at other options. For example, just cancel engagement and slow things down. Come to me for a weekend and let me show you around, etc. See how it goes. Build toward more.
But no, her mind is firmly made up apparently. A few days later she comes to my house and gives back ring and some other stuff, including her phone (we were on a family plan i was paying for).
In person she is extremely distant and cold. She reads from a script about what she is doing and basically just says she "can’t do this" … doesn’t really say why. Gives me the old "it’s not you, it’s me" line. We didn’t spend much time together. No touching, no nothing. Was like talking with a stranger. So she goes. Soon after she calls me at work to see if I am okay (I had explained I had a work problem and was nervous about it). Then she calls me again later that day to say thank you for everything I have done for her and "have a nice life". WTF? She says stuff like ‘maybe in a year we’ll get back together’ … and firmly asks me not to contact her or anyone in her family. Emotionally drained I just said fine.
My take is that the issue is simply she is anxious about moving and quickly getting married (there is a visa issue here, getting married fast like that was planned to accelerate her acclimation and give her more opportunities to do things like work and drive etc). I think the ALL AT ONCE, move and get married was too much pressure and she just cracked.
It’s a shame, because we had such a wonderful relationship for 3 years up until that moment. Her family is in shock as well and there has been tremendous in-fighting with her over this (they have taken my side and are fustrated with her doing this the way she did it).
So it’s been a week since she was here. In that time, I managed to get her a brief note that said I accepted her decision and would respect her need for space and time. I reiterated that I cared about her and that I wanted to talk but that she probably needed to focus on herself for the time being. The only feedback I got was thru a friend of hers (my courier who handed her the note), who said she was "disappointed" at the attempt to communicate given I said I wouldn’t.
Yesterday, while putting her phone up for sale on Ebay and looking thru it for files to delete … I found pictures …. of her wearing the wedding dress she had texted me only 2 weeks prior.
I had a bit of an emotional breakdown at seeing that.
So, I broke my promise and I emailed her yesterday (I don’t have any other way to communciate as she gave me back the phone). I basically asked her to think about options. To think before walking away from 3 years.
So far, no response at all.
I am giving her until Sunday before I tell my parents who will be shocked and probably have very negative feelings about her over this. I am hoping she calls them (she said she would) before that.
Sorry for the long post … basically I am just wondering if it’s really over … if someone can change on a dime like that after 3 years together … when I did everything right here … is she going to come back to me? If so, after how much time?
I don’t know what to do, other than try to move on … but it’s extremely hard. Please help with your thoughts/advice. Thanks.
PS: I met her in her town when I lived there. I have lived in my new town for 1 year.
It sounds to me like you have your head wrapped around this already, that she’s just scared and young (how old are you, btw?) but you just want some affirmation. I think you’re dead on with your analysis. It would be a lot in a short time at 32, but 22 you’re still getting used to being an adult. I say send her one more communique (text, email, note, something) and very briefly tell her you still love her very much and, if it’s all going too fast, you’re willing to slow it down but ending it seems excessive. You can’t change her mind but you can find a place in her you can reason with and connect to that part of her. Right now, be very patient and very compassionate and try to be very objective, with her and yourself. Best of luck.
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